welcoming change in 2021…as this year begins it’s end, i find myself in the same place i was in december 2019…on the precipice of change. like so many others, this year has brought tremendous personal growth—no longer peeking into the crevices of my mind but a full frontal of what’s been stored in my subconscious.
part of me, the dramatic part, wants to say that i feel like i’m in the biggest challenge of my life, really stretching the limits of self worth, of perseverance, of alignment. but i know it’s just life, like everyone else’s, a series of peaks and valleys. in the moment they all feel like everest.
a good friend often asks, could you imagine yourself here last year?
swimming in possibility….when nothing is decided, everything is an option.
when nothing is decided, what ground do i stand on?
i’ve talked with students in their darker times. i’m not a counsellor, but i have a perspective and a studied philosophy as a road map. i point a way for them, look this way…
how well can i walk my talk?
i ended last year on the verge of huge change. i had to challenge my beliefs about what i thought i could accomplish and about my worth in the world. 12 months later, surprise! i’m at that same crossroads again. just a little bigger. the fear is the same.
i found how easy it is to fall back into those well worn patterns of i’m not good enough. it’s such a awful thought, and it’s scarily comfortable. but it’s different this time. i’m just far enough away to feel compassion for my previous self. that i allowed myself to believe that for so long, it became a home.
a belief is just a thought you keep thinking.
i have blisters from breaking in my new beliefs…
this year we’ve all had to just sit with discomfort…making a choice about numbing it out or leaning in. there are times when the physical practice of yoga is uncomfortable. times when you have to move out of your comfort zone during class. this practice directly translates to life. my almost 20 years of practice is asking me now to be still as life unfolds, to remember that feelings are transient, to breathe, and trust that things will come together.
“…the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that.” - Pema Chödrön
the only constant in life is change. but what is the one unchanging aspect of this world? it is what patanjali calls pure awareness. it means i am not my thoughts, my past experiences, my labels, or my body. i am that eternal witness, unaffected by likes and dislikes, fears, or bravado of ego.
with this, there is release, an easier breath. a relaxing into the truth of our nature.
this is the ground i stand on, when nothing else is decided. i remember the rules of this earth game, be of one focus, and go confidently in the direction of my dreams.
i know my destination…the route is a bit amorphous.
