i want to run away again.
I’m so tired of feeling my feelings. i notice all my usual reactions—frustration, impatience, wanting to run away mostly in the form of joining a cloistered ashram where i can just teach and do yoga, meditate, and wash dishes all day, or maybe moving my studio somewhere else to start over again, most definitely shutting certain people out of my life so they can’t poke at my overly sore soft spots anymore…
wherever you go there you are…
even in the midst of feeling, as pema chodron calls it, groundless, i remember she says it’s a cause for celebration. your rebirth is near. at this many runs through the washing machine, i know that what i need to do is dive in deeper. commit to myself more. feel more. no hiding. embrace vulnerability.
to not close my heart but to trust. stay open.
and it’s so visceral. the electricity in my stomach. in my heart. the numbness in my feet. heaviness behind my eyes. my shorter, shallow breath. totally ungrounded.
as i “wake up” from my meditations i remember this is my hologram! i get to choose, yet here i am…
i just want to run away.
instead i took a yoga class with an intense double pigeon. as soon as i settled into it, i wanted out. i wanted to run away. but i kept asking myself, what i ask of my students, what my teacher asked me, what happens if you stay?
even though i know i’m not supposed to say this, i do want someone to save me sometimes. i do want a distraction. i know no one’s coming, and i know on the other side of uncomfortable is more freedom, but i still have those moments of heart wrenching pleading.
save me.
diving deeper. i’m so tired of overusing my inner divine masculine. the last few years i can’t help but to notice the repeated call of my inner divine feminine, especially in relationships, expressing itself as: i want to be the girl! the struggle to let go of control. to not effort to everything to death. exhausting myself from this effort that isn’t producing anyway. the opposite of trust.
beyond intuition, i don’t even understand how to live in my divine feminine. how it translates to real life. but i know i want more.
how to be receptive when it’s always been go, do, make it happen. I’ve been solid meditating for 2 years every day and i’m still rebelling against the receptive state. not because i want to but because it’s so ingrained. because to let go it means i have to trust. trust someone other than myself.
i have this glass statue of mother mary. it came from my paternal grandmother, who i have only one memory of, and it doesn’t even include her face. life hasn’t shown me much in the way of blood family, and i’m not usually particularly attached to objects. i’ve no big affinity for christianity. yet i’ve always treasured it. a frosted glass representation of divine feminine.
my dad always told me not to depend on man. i have a libra moon! and a feminist bent! hello, internal conflict!
i just want to run away.
in four years, my daughter is 18. i distract myself with fantasy about hiding in the cloisters. simplifying. devotion. letting someone else decide my day. sounds like such sweet relief at the moment. i dream it’s possible to leave myself behind…
diving deeper. there’s shame. not something i typically identify with, so it’s been well buried. my career. this cycle of not doing well, feeling affected by that, leads to more not doing well…to know that something you care about so much, something you’ve worked on for years isn’t doing well. that the thing that brought you so much solace. meaning. transformation. connection. so much that you wanted to share it, isn’t having the same effect. shame that i’m not doing better.
shame that others are.
this year has been so much. i left 10 years of bad road behind me. went out on my own carrying the weight of don’t depend on a man and am i good enough to support myself.
and the universe mirrored that right back to me. the relationship i thought would develop left me flat on my ass. shut downs and quarantines poke at my ability to keep my business open. and it’s been these two themes all year… the past few years if i’m being honest.
two years ago i dedicated myself to my meditation practice. this precipitated the change in my life. it is the only thing that saves me.
connect to consciousness. get out of the human suit for a moment. in those moments i find trust.
i would say i’m trying so hard, but that’s efforting. so i’ll say i’m relaxing so deeply in the trust. trust that all the uncomfortable work i’ve done this year, the tears, the uncovering of shame. the vulnerability, the soul shaking revelations, the showing up… will all be worth it.
the phoenix. my favorite myth. i love the idea of beginning again because it’s always available. in each following breath we can start over. we can be washed clean.
right on cue, the universe brought me back to om namah shivaya. shiva, the destroyer of negative thoughts, the remover of an overburdened mind. om namaha shivaya. my phoenix.
12/21/20 winter solstice. bringing the light. a rise from the ashes. jupiter and saturn conjunct for the first time in 800 years. they’re calling it the great transformation.
it’s my hologram. every piece is the whole.
