last night teaching class i started to feel that energy of groundlessness. sometimes i wish i could be more unshakable. that things like the energy of the room or the full moon coming didnt affect me like that. i walk the talk though—in ytt i always say that you bring your shit with you, every class you teach…i am not an exception.
i know not everyone has the same experience i’m having, and our closing chant sounded together and aligned so i wasn’t too worried, but even this morning i still couldn’t shake that feeling…that little slide back into victim mindset. powerlessness. i dont get what i want…the well worn grooves of my subconscious record. my samskaras.
i really wanted to feel better so i meditated, listened to my favorite mindset coach on youtube, went for a run, took my coffee up to my pool for some sunshine (which almost always does the trick for me)...and i wasn’t feeling better...so i sat and wondered wtf is going on???? why is this coming up? and i remembered this byron katie quote which i’m paraphrasing: be grateful for the things that trigger you because they point your way to freedom.
the cancer new moon is coming on friday—new moons are a time to set intentions, for fresh starts, for starting something new.
so maybe this energy is just stirring us up— helping us to see where it is we’re ready to begin anew. hint: it’s probably a mindset shift.
this many (we won’t say how many) years into life and I still struggle so much with body image. with self worth… with feeling good enough. and i judge myself for not being more healed by now. I’ve really been working diligently the last two years on these issues and if you know my personal life at all i know you can see the improvement. i still get triggered—different situations but they always point to the same issues. but now i’m grateful for it. i’m not mad about it. even when the events are happening closer and closer together, it’s showing me how quickly i return to my center. how i really do understand the tools ive been learning…what a determined bad ass bitch i am. i may not have everything settled right now and i may fail many times along the way, but fall down 7 times, stand up 8.
i talked to a friend yesterday who is on a similar growth path in his career right now. i doubt he understands how meaningful it’s been to me—that anytime that i’ve reached out in doubt of myself—without fail he will find time for me and remind me that, of course i can do this. usually it’s all i need. we keep reminding each other to go big or go home. but it’s not even that—it’s go big period. no other option exists. persist until it happens. stand up 8.
and to that voice in my head, persistent at times…though quieter, no. just no. you dont get to be in charge anymore. i dont think my days of being triggered are over, it may take a lifetime for me, but i just won’t accept that anymore.
sitting at my pool writing this on my phone i see my first dragonfly at my new place. it feels significant because dragonflies are so special to me. they remind me to believe in the magic. to believe in my magic. and last nights class, which kicked off this strange energy, was sequenced towards dragonfly. We didn’t get to it because everyone was so tired and after trying to shift the energy for the half the class, I decided it was best to change gears. this visit somehow feels full circle.
i acknowledged what i was feeling. i used my tools, i moved the energy, i stayed clear on my intention, and i shifted my mindset. sweet relief.
“We are not disturbed by what happens to us, but by our thoughts about what happens to us.” ― Epictetus
photo by: @jessicamccleskeyhoodmahle
