it’s time…
that’s what my soul sister said to me in response to my sharing my gratitude, my relief in having a teacher again.
it’s been over 5 years since i lost mine. 5 years of being busy, growing on my own, learning lots. but also feeling untethered. a little aimless. wondering if i’d ever find a teacher i resonated with again.
my heart still aches for the connection with my previous teachers. i wonder if they even understand their significance in my life. my first i moved away from. she was the one who opened my eyes to a spirituality beyond catholicism, which had never fit for me. she showed me this path. In a beautiful old church, renovated into a studio, a vinyasa class and a teacher who shared her thoughts about her life and spirituality opened me onto answers i didnt even know i was desperately searching for. when the student is ready, the teacher appears.
my last influential teacher… well i never thought it would end like this. i never though it would end, really. i thought we would be running the studio together, with my kid, his dog, eventually we’d find partners, there was a beach in there… and we’d grow old together. best friends, doing the yoga, laughing, and talking about boys…
but life shifted, choices were made, and our connected has become unbound.
he was one of the few men in my life, at the time, who heard me. actually listened. no matter how it seemed to the outsider, he allowed me to practice asking for what i wanted, receiving what i needed, and to value myself enough to speak up. these were important lessons for me.
im not angry anymore—about anything. we had a beautiful, difficult, but close and loving connection and i learned so much about myself in my relationship with him. i’ve grieved my loss of him. i remember in the end practicing by myself in the studio and crying being in his space but missing his presence so much.
you have to let go to see what awaits…
i followed the calling of my heart, despite being in the middle of a thousand things going on and all the financial reasons not to. i’ve been accepted into Dharma Mittra’s 500hr YTT. with that came tears. even though the relationship hasn’t really started, i cant believe how grounded and tethered i feel to have a teacher again.
im excited to be the student again. i know all of life teaches us and my students are my teachers yes yes, but this is different. this is where i dont have to uphold boundaries of being the teacher, say the right thing, always try to step aside and be the channel for what needs to be said. i dont have to be the teacher. which, dont get me wrong, it’s all super wonderful, but it’s nice to step back, and be able to just be the student.
it has been almost three years of growth by leaps and bounds in my life. i dont guess it’s going to let up yet…i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t apprehensive. i know the power of this philosophy. the magic in it. i know the discomfort of being vulnerable, feeling uncomfortable as your comfort zone, your well worn subconscious patterns start to rise to the surface to be seen, to be burned down, to be replaced. and even in all of it’s painful glory i want it.
i remember when my daughter was 3, and i was finding that the life i thought i wanted wasnt enough, i asked the universe to make me better. i asked for growth. be careful what you wish for…
i just keep asking myself, can you stay? can you just stay right there, in the line of fire, with your heart open and allow it all to unfold? i think i can…it’s time.
07/23/21
